I am lost.
University has been, to say the least, an emotional train wreck roller coaster on steroids and magic mushrooms. It is crazy to say the least what my first year of university has been like, but one thing I know for sure:
ALL MY JC TEACHERS WHO EVER TOLD ME UNIVERSITY WAS EASIER, LIED.
I believed I entered this new phase of life overly doe-eyed and full of hope for new beginnings. A fresh start, because most of my old friends are either in army or in another university or overseas, and I did not know anyone from my past in my hostel in school. Granted, much fun and joy was initially shared, but eventually you run out of steam, you let yourself down, and you find out that sometimes people aren’t always as nice as you wish they would be.
Here are some of the things I wish I knew back in August 2015 before I found myself mostly disgruntled, barely satisfied but having had some good memories in my one year of university as the second semester winds to an end:
- You never thought you’d diss Trump in your finals, and fight your prof’s sass with sass. You never thought that your new motto in life would be, “if you can’t fight with smarts, win with sass.” BUT YOU DID.
- You cannot surround yourself with the same group of people 24/5 and be an insular unit. Life does not work that way, and you would only run yourself down.
- Garamond is one of the best fonts to write an essay in. Actually, unless your prof specifies a font, Garamond is probably the best bet.
- Find those few friends that would stick by you through thick and thin, and perhaps even make it their life mission to annoy the shedazzles outta you.
- Don’t pick up French. You pretty much quite hate the language, and potentially possibly always will.
All these random musings apart, I feel like I’ve gone through a midlife crisis worth of crises evaluation thoughts. Do I pick up a minor? Change my major? Quit a program? Never have signed up for a particular something? Have I lost my passion and love for what I’m doing? Or better yet, do I just quit university point blank and save all the mother-father scholarship money that would otherwise be going down the drain? Because where is my academic value-adding if I’m doing modules that for some part are regurgitated A level concepts or when I frankly just can’t be bothered to pay attention in lecture? Where is that craving to learn something more? More often than not, why does my excitement for a module description turn out to just be a reality of bitter disappointment?
Do I really need this laminated paper? Sure, I’ve learnt a lot non-academically from this one year in university, experiences and growth that I will hold dear to me. I am grateful for at least having this year, whilst so many others more in this world more deserving than I are unable to have the opportunities I’ve been blessed with due to all varying circumstances. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made, the ones who are my home away from home, and for every insane memory we’ve shared together. I’m grateful for all I’ve chosen to do this past year, and for all that it has taught me about failure and success, camaraderie and loss.
Perhaps I am alone in such musings, perhaps I’m just not cut out for university after all. Perhaps I might not be alone in these thoughts after all. But come what may, to you who’s reading this, if you’re not struggling, keep chugging along and be passionate in all that you do always. If you have had even a slimmer of the doubts I’ve had, and still have, may you find peace in the ultimate decisions you make.
And may I do so, too.
Postscript: All the best for finals everyone, may the bellcurve god be ever in your favour.